It’s a big week here in the Four Rivers Conference, and that could be overwhelming to some. We’re here to clear that up. Here’s this week’s slate.
Hermann [5-1] @ St. Clair [4-2] (!)
This right here is our conference championship game, folks, and because of that, I’m making it the very first HBS Game of the Week. With a win, St. Clair (4-2; 4-0 conf.) eliminates Hermann, Pacific, and St. James, all in one fell swoop. Additionally, if Sullivan loses, St. Clair will be able to clinch the conference title. However, the Bearcats (5-1; 2-1 conf.) can make a last-minute shot at the title by winning on Friday, potentially gunning for an outright win, or a three-way tie. Here are the potential scenarios:
St. Clair wins, Sullivan loses: St. Clair improves to 5-0 in conference, and ensures that Hermann will have no more than 4 conference wins, subsequently eliminating every team with two conference losses. Sullivan, playing St. James, will also have their conference wins capped at four, eliminating them, and leaving St. Clair as the sole victor.
St. Clair wins, Sullivan wins: All two-loss teams, including Hermann, are eliminated. Sullivan remains in contention, but will be unable to claim an outright conference title. St. Clair would still be able to clinch with a win over Owensville on the 24th, and would have to lose that game in order for Sullivan to stay alive.
St. Clair loses, Sullivan wins: Only St. James is eliminated, leaving St. Clair, Sullivan, Hermann, and Pacific in contention. St. Clair is no longer able to clinch without a Sullivan loss. In order to claim the outright title, St. Clair would have to win their game against Owensville, while Sullivan loses theirs. Sullivan clinches in the reverse scenario. A loss by both teams to Owensville would effectively freeze the conference standings, resulting in a three-way tie between them and the winner of Hermann/Pacific.
Both teams lose: No teams are eliminated. Sullivan is unable to win an outright title, but can tie with St. Clair and the winner of Hermann/Pacific with a win over Owensville, provided that St. Clair loses. St. Clair can still win a solo championship with a loss by Sullivan and a win from them.
St. Clair’s offense is spectacular, recording 464 yards of total offense for six touchdowns in their game last week against St. James, according to a report by the Phelps County Focus. Unfortunately, we do not know anything more about St. Clair, as they do not seem to have recorded any statistics for their team.
However, Hermann is dominant on both offense and defense, highlighted by junior running back Aiden Eikermann, who alone has recorded eight touchdowns and 509 yards on offense this season. Headlining their defense is Daeden Hopkins, who has recorded 6 sacks and 17 tackles.
St. Clair and Hermann play on Friday at 7. The winner of this game will determine the rest of the conference, however, this isn’t actually the game you’d want to attend. We’ll get to that later.
Pacific [2-4] Homecoming
Seth Stack and the Indians are coming off of a monumental 62-14 thrashing of the Dutchmen, in which Stack broke the school record for individual passing TDs in a game, launching five in total. The Indians will actually have football fresher in their mind than usual, with the players coaching the annual Powderpuff game on Wednesday, speaking of which…
2024 Powder Puff: Class of 2025 vs. Class of 2026
The senior girls, coached by record-breaking receiver Trey Kulick (among others), seem to be absolutely stacked this year, claiming to have an excellent QB and an amazing defensive line. Aside from that, the seniors are keeping a lot under wraps. HBS reporter Quinn Jones, when asking a player about their roster, was quickly denied due to alleged affiliation with the juniors.
On the other hand, the juniors, whose coaching staff is headlined by star running back and MSHSAA top-10 hitter Colton Kossuth, are a lot more open, with HBS actually knowing who is on the team. Despite being coached by Kossuth, the centerpiece to Pacific’s impressive running game, there seem to be no softball players on the team to act as that team’s ‘Colton.’ Going off of this, HBS analysts are predicting that the juniors will focus on their passing game, though we do not know that for certain.
When asked about the game, Annabelle Edmonds, a senior on the team whose position is unknown, said, “We (the seniors) are gonna win.”
Regardless of whether or not we actually know what’s happening, who’s playing, and/or why our reporters are being accused of espionage, this will undoubtedly go down in history as the greatest football game ever played by volleyball players (18-5-1; 6-1-1 FRC).
The Powder Puff Game starts at 7:00PM at Randy George Stadium, with the tailgate beginning at 5.
Potosi Trojans [2-4] @ Pacific Indians [2-4]
Going back to the actual football team, Pacific seems to be evenly matched with Potosi. However, looking at common opponents, Potosi seems to have the edge, with a 41-14 win over St. Clair in week 1 granting them a transitive win over Pacific.
Despite this, Pacific is more than capable of both resisting their advances and fighting back, with the aforementioned quarterback Seth Stack completing 51 of 97 passes so far this season, and recording 743 yards. The defense is highlighted by Aiden Dickey, having recorded 21 tackles and four sacks. HBS cannot find any stats for Potosi.
Pacific will return to Randy George, as they seek to once again defend their turf from the marauding European mascots on Friday at 7:00pm.
Sullivan [3-3] @ St. James [3-3]
Sullivan is riding a hot streak into St. James, having delivered two devastating losses in a row to Pacific and Hermann. On the flip side, the Tigers are recovering from a blowout at the hands of the mysterious yet powerful St. Clair Bulldogs.
Sullivan is a speedy, glass-cannon team, boasting a monster of a rushing offense that can only be described as a stampede of elephants carrying nuclear bombs. This weapon of mass destruction is headlined by two juniors – QB Chase Blue, and RB Mark Jennings, who have rushed for a combined total of 1,390 yards and 14 touchdowns.
However, focusing on the run game to that extent has left a seemingly lackluster defense, and a non-existent pass game, with the entire team having only recorded one passing touchdown, and one sack. Unfortunately, as with a few other teams, we do not have stats for St. James.
This game is destined to be an offensive shootout, and as mentioned earlier, has championship implications. The two teams will meet in St. James on Friday at 7.
But who cares? High-stakes, competitive football is boring. I’d rather watch a car accident, or rather, a tank accident.
TANK BOWL: Union @ Owensville
That’s right. We have reached the thrilling finale of the race to the bottom of the river. The 2024 HBS Sports Game of the Year. Only one team will come out of this game winless. As a wise noodle salesman once said – “Only one can remain.”
UNION WILDCATS – A FALL FROM GRACE
The Wildcats had been the dominant power in the Four Rivers for years, having recorded 7 winning seasons, two undefeated seasons, and a district championship in the last 10 years. They slipped down to 4-7, but they at the very least beat Pacific. Compare that to this year, where they have started 0-6, been blown out by Pacific, and are the laughing stock of Franklin County.
Despite their infinite shortcomings, they still have concepts of an offense. Running back Hayden Parmenter has run 418 yards, for a pathetic total of 3 touchdowns.
OWENSVILLE DUTCHMEN – FLASH IN THE PAN
Owensville went from a 9-3 district championship season in 2021 to being completely awful in the span of one year. That seems to be the standard for the Dutchmen, as despite winning two district championships in the last ten years, they have only recorded four winning seasons. Owensville is so embarrassed by this fact, that they have hidden their stats everywhere I could find. How pathetic.
Pacific blew out Union by 35, and Owensville by 48. By that logic, and the fact that Union has evidence pointing to the existence of an offense, the Wildcats will almost certainly be the champions in this anti-championship.
The Wildcats will head down Route 50 to prove to the conference that they, in fact, can win a game. Our 7th place team will be decided on Friday at 7.
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